Lost

Rob's post, Tony's response and my conversation with Kalen this weekend had me thinking a lot about my kids, my "adopted" kids, my life. Here are some of those thoughts:

I think that all of us during our teens and early 20's believe that things have changed a lot from when our parents were that age. However, the truth is, our parents had the same doubts, fear, and apprehension about leaving home and becoming "adults". Perhaps the only thing that has changed is each generation seems to have more to choose from because the people before us have improved the life around us. It used to be that you would find a mate and settle down in the town where your parents were or nearby, the woman would stay home to raise the kids and the man would support the family. In the 50's most women were "Donna Reed" or "Marian Cunningham", but some women also went off to work. I was born in 1957 and my mom worked ever since I can remember, but she was in the minority at the time. Now it seems that most couples have dual incomes and want that big house and nice car a lot earlier than my parents were able to afford them. I know we (Tim and I) didn't buy our house because we could afford it--we needed it because a two-bedroom apartment was too small to raise three kids (expecting Matt at the time) and a larger apartment didn't make any sense. We had a lot of help from his parents and mine in the way of down payment and some hand-me-down furniture to get started as well as a second car so I wasn't stuck in nowhere land with three little ones.

Kalen told me about something she had read on Tomato Nation, I believe, about how people her age have been raised to believe they can be and do anything they want. This is true. However, the fallacy here is that a lot of 20-somethings think these wonderful jobs or opportunities are going to be dropped right in their laps. I know she went to college thinking, "I like to write, so I guess to make money, I should be a journalist." However, Kalen (and you know I love you) does not have the personality to go out and make a pest of herself to get a story. So her current plan of getting a general education with a political science major and then possibly a master's in library science makes a lot of sense for her. Kathy had only planned to get her Associate's degree, but after pursuing that and working in a preschool for three years, she has decided to get her Bachelor's degree. At 22 and 23, my girls are not your typical college students, but they have finally decided what they want for now and are working to make it happen. It took them a while to come to these decisions, but they worked at crappy jobs and took gen ed classes while they were deciding.

Then there's me. I graduated high school in 1975 and went off to Bible college. I broke off a two-year relationship with Tim because I planned to meet a man going into the ministry and become a minister's wife and do the music ministry in a church. After two years of spinning my wheels and my support cut off from my parents because I wasn't making any progress, I came home. I enrolled in a community college in the medical secretarial program. Medicine had always interested me, but I didn't want to work too hard. I was lazy and wanted the easy way out. Besides, I didn't take Chemistry or Physics in high school and only had Algebra and Geometry for math and couldn't get into a nursing program at that time because they required more math and science than I had. So I took 12 months to earn my Associate's degree. In the meantime, Tim and I rekindled our relationship and became engaged. I worked for a year as a medical secretary at an allergy clinic in Omaha and in June, 1979 Tim and I were married and moved to Ames, Iowa where he was finishing his senior year of college. He had planned to be a high school math teacher, but that's another story.

In Ames, I worked as a transcriptionist in the medical records department of the hospital there. Tim graduated June, 1980 and had landed a job at Bell Labs in Naperville. So we were moving again. We moved away from friends and family and had to make a new life for ourselves. After spending the summer working, Tim and I moved to West Lafayette, Indiana where Bell Labs generously paid Tim to obtain his Master's degree in Computer Science and gave us a monthly stipend to live on, so I was able to stay home. Good thing because I spend the next nine months sicker than sick and in February, 1981 our son, Michael, was stillborn. After three weeks of recovery, I obtained a position with Manpower, Temp. and they sent me on several jobs, ending with a two-month stint as a medical transcriptionist in the hospital where I had delivered Michael. I couldn't sit home and wallow in self-pity--I had to get out and do something.

Tim graduated from Purdue and we moved back to Lisle. I was pregnant with Kalen. After her birth in March, 1982, I decided to go back to college. I had taken an accounting class back at the community college and decided I wanted to be an accountant. So when Kalen was six months old, I went back to school. I graduated two months after Kathy was born (July, 1983). However, with two little ones at home, I did not pursue work at that time. At Christmas I became pregnant with Matt. Okay--not exactly the schedule we had planned, but it was okay. We moved into our house in June/July, 1984 and Matt was born in Sept. Now I have three kids and a house, so my decisions are made for me. If I try to work, all my wages will go for childcare, clothing, and transportation. We would be better off financially if I stay home. In March, 1987 Ryan came along. Okay, that's it, we're done having kids!

Somewhere after getting the house and possibly before Ryan was born but maybe after, I found I could work from home as a transcriptionist. I tried that for a while, but with small kids, it just didn't work out. And I liked being a stay-at-home mom. I got to do the room mother thing, go to the school parties, volunteer for Junior Great Books and just have fun with my kids! But now they have gotten older, Ryan started high school, I needed to do something more than scut work as a secretary, and was being encouraged to go into nursing. I looked into it and would be able to get the courses I needed without too much trouble and was ready to take on a new challenge. So at the age of 47, I finally have decided what I want to be when I "grow up". I'm a nurse! I may only work for 15-20 years before I retire, but I am doing something I feel good about doing.

I guess the point of all this rambling is--what you are doing now is probably not what you will be doing 20 years from now. Sometimes you have to work a few crappy, dead-end jobs to survive until you are able to get the education or find the opportunity to do what it is you really want to do. You may spend some time without the immediate support of friends and family, but you have to get yourself out there and make new friends at work, at school, wherever you are. Like the Girl Scout song, "Make new friends, but keep the old"--stay in touch with your childhood friends--they always have your back--but be open to new friendships wherever they might be. Be open to new opportunities, but don't wait for them. Seek them out. If you find yourself spending a lot of time being depressed and unable to function, find someone to talk to--family, friends or even professional help, religious counselors, whatever it is that you need. I hope to my "adopted" kids, you know that Tim and I want to be adult friends you can talk to. We can never take the place of your parents and we would never want to, but we can be a sounding board if you need us.

You also don't need to give up the interests you have to grow up. Look at Tim--he still loves his comic books and adventuring with you guys. Your life needs balance. Work, play, responsibility for yourself--find the balance and go out and be happy.

I love all of you!